Friday, May 27, 2005

Fucking Salmon

While slamming back two cups of coffee like they were shots of vodka, I came across this. It never fails, every time I see anything about Spelling Bees my face gets hot and my throat starts closing up. You see, I still haven't forgiven myself for choking in the 2nd Grade Bee and misspelling "Salmon." I knew how to spell freaking SALMON! s-a-L-m-o-n. I could've won that thing. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Damn.

In other news, here's your image-of-the-divine sighting for the week.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Duck Tale

Yesterday I finally got outside to take some pics of the baby ducks. See some here. Ducks are hysterical. And birds. And squirrels. These critters are so used to (and fat from) people/little kids stuffing them with bread crumbs they start swarming around you if you just happen to slow down a little and stray from the path just a bit. I think they thought my camera was food. Mmmm delicious mega-pixels.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Summer Schemes, circa 1988

Grass, fresh cut. Gasoline, slight, left from the mower - it's exhaust swirls into the thick heat. Up into the blue. Asphalt twinkles. The shade finds itself inseparable from the dankness of moss and moisture-rich dirt, still damp from yesterday's afternoon thunderstorm. Damp but warm.

Chink Chink Chink Cheecheecheechee...In the distance, the sound of neighbors sprinklers overlap. Trying to keep lawns green.

Summers in Louisiana were always the same.

Most of the time we were dropped off at the Ruston Country Club pool. Left to amuse ourselves with endless games of mermaid, corn dogs from the grill inside where the fake carpet, green and wiry, smelled like mildew and chlorine, and tirelessly trying to make the lifeguard's job harder than it should've been.

Other times, particularly when we were younger, and Mom was working, Mama would take us to the pool at the Holiday Inn. Somewhat freakishly the water was always almost too cold there, but a fountain in the middle made up for it. Mama, in her sensible grandmotherly one-piece, would wade in only until the water came up to her hips.

But it was the days when we weren't scheduled to visit a pool that were the hottest. It was those days when we wanted to swim the most.

Cecile and I would try to make do by setting up the battered Slip 'n Slide with the old green water hose. We arranged it on a near vertical slope that had us crashing face first into a pit of mud when we got to the bottom.

That was always shortlived.

Plan B involved setting up the sprinkler so that it rotated back and forth across the trampoline.

Chink Chink Chink Cheecheecheechee...

Blonde ponytails flew above the crowns of our heads as we bounced higher and higher.

The higher we bounced, the better we could see the pool next door.

Our neighbors, an older couple, Mr. and Mrs. Mars - Dale and Ginny, rarely used their pool. Mr. Mars would swim laps early in the morning. The rest of the day the crystal water remained still.

We jumped up, up, wet ponys slapping against the back of our necks as we landed and flinging water out as we went back up. Jealous of that diving board - and oh, that spectacular slide.

A plan, devised.

"What are you getting that ball for?"

"You'll see."

Heave. Launch. Red plastic orb soars over water-soaked wooden planks and splashes into the sacred lagoon.

"Now, we have to go get our ball."

I traipse across the front yard, with Cecile on my tail, straight to the Mars' front door. (We've attempted mislead by changing into clothes instead of leaving on our swimsuits.)

Mr. Mars answers, takes a look at us and smiles. He knows what we are up to, but plays along.

"Hi girls, how are you today?"

"Our ball accidentally went over the fence. Can we go look for it?"

"Of course," he says, leading us to the back door.

"There it is, in the pool!" Cecile says, stifling a giggle.

We put on a good show of pretending like we have to reach and stretch far over to get to it, and then, we both "fall in."

As always, Mr. Mars suggests that since we are already wet, and it's so hot out, that we stay for a while and enjoy the pool.

My mom always got mad at me for doing this, but she also thought it was rude to ask the Mars' if we could swim.

What was I to do?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Bits and Pieces

Just so you know, the Bright-Eyed & Blueberry smoothie from Jamba Juice, while delicious, has a tendency to leave bits of blueberry/strawberry seeds stuck in your teeth.

So today, at 6:50 a.m., I pull into an community meeting, where they are honoring teachers of the year and role model students, wearing the big ass sunglasses and listening to this.

It didn't strike me until a little later (while singing My Country 'Tis of Thee) that this might not have been a good idea seeing as I was there representing the magazine.

Anyhoo. My boss just gave me tickets and a parking pass to the Rangers-Astro game tomorrow. Sweet.

Hopefully I can get in some pool/sunning time tomorrow too. If not, I'm gonna have to wear a sleeveless shirt to the game because I still haven't gotten rid of that damn farmer's tan from the Fry Street Fair. (I realize this was like a month ago) At least it's faded a little so I can wear sleeveless with minimal embarrassment. I'm in a bit of a tan dilemma with my legs as well, see they are so pasty white I hesitate to leave them exposed - but then, exposing them is the only way to get rid of the ghost skin. So maybe I'll wear my little green cargo skirt.

Someone in the hall just said they were "scuzzed out." I haven't heard that in a while.

Yesterday I decided to give in and get a pro account at Flickr. My justification was that I really wanted to upload the rest of the Charleston pics along with the pics from my sister's engagement party in Louisiana last weekend. (Um, have I done that yet? Of course not.)

However, I got a little bored at work and decided to play around with the cameras/photoshop. The result? Documentation of my lunch, the popcorn machine, the popcorn I ate and, of course, the Munch A Bunch candy machine I mentioned a few days ago:

Example

Sweet Jesus I'm so glad it's Friday.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

t-shirts are awesome for several reasons

I've been thinking about this for a while now and I'm pretty sure that I've consumed the majority of the peanut M&Ms in the Munch a Bunch vending machine at work.

In fact, I think I am the only one consuming anything from the Munch a Bunch vending machine.

Anyway, I got my new Threadless Tee in the mail this week. Yeah!

Funny thing about Threadless today - I was checking out the new additions they send in their newsletter and ran across this. My boss was standing behind me as I immediately did the cock-the-head-to-one-side-and-scrunch-your-face-thing. He then looked at me in the inquisitory why-did-you-make-that-face manner.

"That looks like someone I might know," I stammered. (I probably shouldn't have been checking the new shirts at an online store while he's behind me trying to figure out what headline to run on the cover of our magazine that's going to print in three days. But hey.)

So after a couple of emails it was confirmed. I know the guy. He was really good friends with Cori (as in "not the bounty hunter" Cori) when we were at LSU. Looks like he's doing some good work. I really dig the "Piece of Meat" design.

Moving along, tonight is our final company softball game. Right now, we are tied with two other teams for first place. If we lose we are out, but if we win - we win! (If other two teams win tonight then we will all win first place)

The winners get t-shirts and trophies. Rock on.*

*I've got an extreme weakness for free t-shirts, as evidenced by the many 2 sizes too big Jose Cuervo/Coors/Jagermeister/random art festival shirts plaguing the bottom of my workout clothes drawer.**

**Somehow this reminds me of the time when the Arcadia bus outran a tornado in fifth grade and all of the Arcadia kids wore t-shirts around that said "I survived the Arcadia tornado" the rest of the year. I know. That was so random.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Weekend Revelations

While I'm waiting for people to call me back I'll fill you in on a few things I learned this weekend.

1. My stepmother had a boob job. And liposuction. AND she's going back for more liposuction.
2. A two hour driving tour of the local golf course in the back of a eight passenger van is not conducive to politeness toward tour guide and/or the other seven passengers.
3. My sister/the bride is irritable that I've lost weight.
4. My other sister is a much better dancer than I am.
5. Gin is easily mistaken for water after a four-hour interstate drive.
6. According to a drunk and redfaced Mr. Jeffcoat, my dad is "So tight he squeaks when he walks."
7. Apparently my dad is now a smoker.
8. Ambien is a wonderful, wonderful drug.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

random llama post

When I am feeling down I like to look at pictures of llamas.
Example

I asked Cristin if she wanted to go look at the llamas when we were at that carnival of a petting zoo at the Houston Rodeo. She said "Nuh uh. Mmh mh," while forcefully shaking her head from side to side and pursing her lips. "They spit."

How that could be any worse than the time at the "Parent's Day" petting zoo at Cristin's boarding school when one of the students picked up a goose by the neck and began to violently swing it around his head, I do not know.

Still, Cristin wasn't risking it. We did not pet the llamas.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

I Didn't Fall Off The Turnip Truck Yesterday

Caught that phrase this morning on CNN when they were talking to this guy.

Take note of his name. Right on.

Jesse James Hardy finally did accept the $4.95 million for his land in April. Read about it here.

At first I was all like fucking eminent domain is fucking bullshit. But then I saw that the land is essential for wetlands restoration and I was all ehh...that's pretty important.

I feel like even though someone is offered a shitload of money, if they want to stay on their land, they should be able to. However, we all know that our environment, specifically the wetlands in southern Florida, is in a shitload of trouble too.

So whatcha gonna do? What's more important? A man's right to his land or the restoration and preservation of vital ecosystems?

In other news, whaaa? I guess it makes sense, she is from Texas.

Last night (I'm a little embarrassed to admit this) I watched the most godawful movie on OH! (I should just stop right there, right?) Jennifer Love Hewitt played some diva/party girl-type named "Katya." I didn't make it to the end of the movie (can't say I was disappointed) - sidetracked by parental phone call - but it got me to thinking about Jennifer Love Hewitt's former life.

Remember when she was "Love" on Kids Incorporated?

And I'm not embarrassed to admit that I used to watch the shit out of some Kids Incorporated. "Love" (did she think calling herself that was cool?) came toward the end of my Kids Inc. days, but I remember she used to wear this blue and black cow print outfit -- I totally had the exact same outfit. I wore it with a blue bow and Keds.

Rock on.
Example

p.s. I realize that I've used an exorbitant amount of curse words in this post. Deal with it. I'm on deadline this week.

Thank you, that is all.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Oh Glorious Day

When I woke up this morning I was covered, head to toe, in cold sweat. I tossed and turned all night because of said sweat. I'm not quite sure if it was before or after I had the dream that I was still in high school when I started sweating.

(In the dream our high school girl's basketball team was losing terribly and I was itching to play, but for some reason couldn't. Instead I ate strawberry Sour Punch Straws in the bleachers with Roni Tucker.)

Naturally, after a night of no sleep, with the weather all rainy and COLD (what's up with the coldness in May? I should be in flip flops by now), AND skipping the morning workout I had mentally prepared for, I was a little irritable.

But alas! I walked through the kitchen on the way to my office, glancing at the coffee maker (morning ritual -- desperate hope that someone might have actually already made the coffee), and to my sweet-loving surprise found we have REAL coffee creamer! And not only do we have REAL Coffeemate taking the place of the generic powdered shit, we also have the little Half and Half liquid creamer containers. Oh warm feeling!

THEN, in such a euphoric state, I pass the break table, and whaddya know - there's a gigantic gold container filled to the top with CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS!

Me so happy.

I know, I know, but really, it's the little things, people.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Carl, You Rat Bastard

Techno at 7 a.m.? Really?

WHO LISTENS TO TECHNO FULL BLAST AT 7 IN THE MORNING??

My upstairs neighbor, that's who.

"Carl" (I put quotations because I'm not entirely sure that is his name) has some volume control problems. I had a feeling there might be some trouble when I saw him hanging a disco ball on his balcony the day he moved in. But it's not the kind of thing I expected (i.e. loud parties).

Here's a run down of some of the noise issues:

  • Carl likes to stomp when he walks. I keep trying to get a good look at this guy because I swear he's got cement boots on his feet. Every time he moves my entire ceiling shakes.

  • He likes to listen to his music, very loudly, at odd times. I'm talking level 11 loud.

  • But what's annoying about this is that he will listen to like, one song on repeat. Bomp chi bomp chi bomp chi. Then it stops, and I'm all, "whew," as I grasp the handle of the bat ready to bang on the ceiling. Then I hear, BOOM BOOM BOOM. Oh yeah, it's Carl running across the room to hit play again. And here it comes: bomp chi bomp chi bomp chi...

  • Inevitably the bat is used to bang on the ceiling - the universal code for shut the fucking music up. And Carl always turns the volume down. But what bugs me is that this happens every time and he continues to turn his music on as loud as it goes at times like 11:40 p.m. on a Tuesday night - does he really think that's not going to disturb anyone?

Thank you, that is all.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Note: Cori is NOT a bounty hunter

Or a bail bondsman. Of course Paige insisted that she was until we got to Charleston and Cori actually showed us where she worked (not what we'd been picturing - thanks to Paige) and explained to us what it is that she actually does, which is insurance for bail bondsmen.

Jessica kept talking about the A&E show "Dog the Bounty Hunter." Except, in Jess speak it is: "dawwg."

Speaking of dogs, the resident pooch is also called Lou. He is not named after me. But things got a little confusing. I kept hearing "Lou - what the HELL are you doing!" And I'd be all "Whaaa? I didn't do anything!" Then I realized that they were talking to the dog.

He likes to chew on rocks. I do not.
Example

The weekend was great. There are more photos here.

We started out on the beach with beers. Got a little too excited about being on the beach with beers and wore ourselves out. By the time we had all showered and consumed a startling amount of "Do Re Mi" pizza it was over.

But we made up for it the next day. Tooled around Downtown Charleston in the morning, stopping at Poogan's Porch for lunch. Supposedly Poogan's has a haunted bathroom. Story goes if you go in there alone chances are you will see military boots under the door - but it's supposed to be an old woman ghost wearing the military boots. I was disappointed when we went to the bathroom and it just smelled bad and had imitation Dial in the Dial soap dispenser. (We all know Dial is orange, not pink).

The delicious Bloody Marys, homemade buttermilk biscuits and fried green tomatoes made up for the lack of ghosts.

Starting off the "bachelorette" party was an array of penis paraphenalia, including, but not limited to, a large penis pinata.

And then there were the pink panty pull-downs - a combination of champagne, beer and pink lemonade.
Example
Very delicious, but probably not wise to gulp down before a large meal at an expensive restaurant followed by a night of excessive intaking of Jagermeister/Goldschlager shots.

The rest of the evening was a blur. I do remember, Jess, in full form, making friends with the security guard after he had to pull her down from dancing on a chair.
Example

That's all I've got for now.

Good times.