Sometimes, Somedays

Sometimes I just get a feeling like everything is fitting together nicely. That my life, more or less, is finally on the right track. I'm driving to work thinking, I really love my new job. And I do. But then small things, or big things, happen that make me wonder what it is that I am doing. What should I be doing. And I guess everyone has to deal with this - this second guessing of a sort. Sometimes I wonder about those people who really seem to have it together. Do they really have it all that together. Are they really that successful, smart, good-looking, ambitious, and happy. Something's got to be amiss. Nobody can have the best of all worlds. I look at my life - job going well, family not so well. At least I am at a point of dealing with my family, I think. But then when I start to think about it, I'm not really sure. To me, being happy is all relative to a specific point in time. That is, I can be happy at this point, right now, when I am laughing at a joke that was just told. But after the laughter subsides, after the evening ends, there is still the shit I have to come back to. the shit that I've created in my life, whether it is shit revolving around family or friends or relationships or work - my own neurosis really.

visitor

visits are in order for the weekend. visits to me. visits that will most definitely require the assistance of alcohol. my dad and his wife, Laura, are on their way from their homestead in north Louisiana right now. meandering down I-20 towards the big D. Well, meandering if dad is driving, more like barrelling if Laura is behind the wheel. tomorrow we will head to Fort Worth for an art exhibit. for some reason I feel like Fort Worth is on the other side of the world. I've noticed that gradually I've made it a point not to travel north of Northwest Highway. I've told my dad of this wariness to leave my bubble, especially to go all the way to Fort Worth. Can't we just go somewhere here, I said. He said okay, but he really wants to see this exhibit, and this exhibit is in Fort Worth. I have to mention here that Fort Worth is really about 30 minutes away. For the lifelong city dweller that may be a big number. But for me - and dad - 30 minutes is how far we had to drive from our town any time we wanted to see a movie, or go to a nice restaurant. Or go to the mall (which I also make it point to avoid now). So see 30 minutes shouldn't be that bad.
Tonight I am taking him to Fogo de Chao, a restaurant I could never afford. yeah for dad!

competency

Even though I've only been in Dallas for about a year, I'm having serious doubts about the competency of the people that run this city. I think Baton Rouge might have been better - and it took them 2 years to catch a serial killer that they thought was a short white man and he ended up being a tall black man (at least they had the "man" part right). But Dallas. First of all, you know there might be a problem when the police department has to start advertising for jobs during the pre-show slides at the movie theater. In between "who said this phrase in what movie" and trivia about some movie star you've never seen pops up the dallas poice department's logo with "now hiring." Then you have the PIO's, which those of you in the media already know, but are the Public Information Officers. I think, it must be some sort of standard over there to hire people with absolutely no concept that they are supposed to be the ones to distribute information to the public. answer questions. at least act a bit knowledgeable about the subject you are responsible for.
morning conversation with parks and rec PIO - who by the way can only be reached by pager - there is no phone line that she will answer.
me: "I would like to know who to talk to about this lake"
her: "I don't really know, there's larry, but he don't really do that, and i don't really know who. have you talked to the water department, they do drinking water..."
me; "it's not concerning drinking water, mam."

I can't even continue with the rest. it was one of the most painful and irritating phone conversations of my life.

Thalassophobia

When Jaws was released in 1975 it definitely struck into the heart of its viewers a certain fear of the ocean, open water and the creatures (sharks) that dwell beneath its surface. Although I was not around when the movie came out, after seeing it as a child, everytime I find myself near the ocean scenes from the film trickle into the back of my mind. Open Water has definitely done the same thing, execpt with more intensity because it is based on true events. Not a true story, but true events. I've heard there is an article in Outside Magazine about the same kind of thing - a couple was left in the ocean while scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef. And apparently this is something that happens more than people think. The movie was well done, it captures the sense of frustration, anger, and terror of being stranded in the middle of the ocean with nowhere to go and nothing to do except float and let fish nibble on your leg, and watch as the sharks start circling closer and closer to you. It left me with one certainty - I will never, ever go scuba diving. ever.

I have eaten the flame

It's a new day.yes.but pieces of last night still hover, nagging, a constant crackle begging for sleep and darkness and silence. but the sun calls, the day beckons, beckons in a way that edges in with a twinge of guilt. the remainder of a well mixed collection of martini and beer and whiskey swirls in my belly and i shut out the sun, the shades will remain shut. the couch pulls me in like a magnet, but i must go. a meeting to attend. "there will be wine involved," says my boss. i accept of course, not anticipating the battle of the day. now i have to get up and face the sun. i have no choice. sunglasses have never been a better friend.