Monday, February 28, 2005

My Bologna has a First Name

Example

I was a little anxious about having to trek up to Richardson last night right after the beginning of the Oscars. Luckily, I returned in time to see Antonio's moving performance of "Al Otro Lado del Rio" from the Motorcycle Diaries. And when I say moving, I mean when he stood up from his stool, walked forward three steps and threw his arm into the air.

Dear God who told him he could sing?

Oh, I know, I betcha it was her.

But don't get me wrong. I didn't mind watching him croon for five minutes in Spanish about some shit on the other side of a river. At least, after I turned the volume down.

OK, so I like Salma and I like Penelope. But putting them together in front of a teleprompter was not a good idea. I've never had to strain my ears so hard to figure out what someone was trying to say. Then again, I've never had so much strain on my ears. Advice to next year's producers - only one severely thick-accented presenter at a time.

Moving along.

Example

Rock on, Jamie. I can't wait to see Ray.

And then, there's Johnny.

At least someone wore something worth a "Did you see what he/she was wearing?"... "Yeah, what the crap was that?"

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Birthday Week Update

That's me, the little one.
Example

(I should probably point out that, as in the case with the previous post, this picture is from someone else's birthday. Take note of the orange balloon envy).

Yesterday was one of the best Birthday-days I've had in recent history. I was in a good mood. The weather was nice. I got a groovy flower arrangement, balloon and card at the office. My boss let me go home early. I took a nap. I got presents from my friends including a cool purple pillow and vase and a gift card to Barnes and Noble. My mom (of course wanting to beat out my Dad in the race for who sends a present first) actually sent me a box of books from my Amazon wish list like three weeks ago. I've already read three of them.

My parents have got the typical "we feel sorry for fucking up your childhood with our issues/divorce" thing going on so that means gift-giving is always generous. I do not complain.

This is what I'm getting from my Dad for my Birthday.

I'm so excited! Goodbye old-couch-from-grandmother's-sitting-room-whose-cushions-slide-out-from-under-you-every time-you-sit-down. I hope you find a nice new home. Salvation Army will treat you well, sucka!

Last night we went for Crawfish at Dodie's where we learned after paying our bill that it was dollar draft night. Of course we got a big "that's right bitches" from Brett who was the only one at the table that had (quite unknowingly) taken advantage of the draft special, proudly slurping beer after beer from a giant glass goblet.

I think I saw a half fist pump.

It was a good day. And this weekend the celebratory drinking will begin.

That's right bitches.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Come On Baby Do The Locomotion

I don't really remember my birthdays very well. In fact going back past 8th grade I don't remember them at all really (well except for that time we jumped off the balcony onto mattresses and stole my Dad's van). But I remember other people's.

Today I am going to tell you about childhood friend Katie Alexander. Katie was known for her birthday slumber parties.

Katie had a sign on her bedroom door that said "Zero to Bitch in 60 seconds."

She also had one that said "Princess."

Every year she invited about 30 people to her birthday extravaganza which always consisted of massive pizza consumption at Johnny's, Katie shredding paper from a tower of birthday gifts, and slumber party activities back at Katie's house in rural North Louisiana where, like clockwork, Katie would become agitated, throw a tantrum, start screaming, then crying and then lock herself in her room.

It got to the point where everyone began to ignore her behavior.

But this just made things worse. Especially when Katie was not getting undivided attention.

There was the infamous Locomotion incident of '88.

Katie's dad was in a band. He played the guitar. So on this particular birthday, Katie decided she wanted to sing for everybody. "The Locomotion." But by this time in the night nobody really gave a shit that she kept messing up and wanting to start over. And we became even more annoyed that she wouldn't let us sing along.

We lost interest very fast.

Katie would have none of this.

She yelled at everybody (on a microphone) to come listen to HER sing. It was HER birthday after all.

Yeah right.

Tantrum begins.

Of course you always have the kind souls that try to coax Katie from her barricaded room. I even tried my hand at it once thinking I had a special knack for diplomacy. Not so.

But if enough people showered her wooden door with attention she would return to the party.

Of course by then everyone HAD to pretend to be blown away by her rendition of "The Locomotion" or even better, "Walk Like an Egyptian."

And then, then there was the Jalapeno pepper debacle of '89.

In a desperate attempt to win back the unfaltering recognition of her slumber party guests, Katie (on a self-imposed dare) swallowed an entire Jalapeno pepper from one of the Johnny's Pizza boxes.

Well, she got our attention all right. Her face turned purple and her parents had to call in the medics. They came in an ambulance.

A somber tone fell over the crowd. But it was shortlived.

Katie was fine. She ran to her room after the medical help left.

We resumed jumping on her living room furniture.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

My Dad Loves Me and Bill O'Reilly

Phone rings last night...

Me: Hello?
Dad: Hi Lauren, I was just calling to report that one of your favorite authors, Hunter S. Thompson, died today. he killed himself.
Me: Yeah, I know. I was bummed when I heard it. So what's up?
Dad: Oh nothing. I was just calling to tell you that. I've been sick. I had a fever.
Me: You should really take it easy Dad.
Dad: I know. Hey - I mailed your birthday package today. It should get to you by Wednesday, I think.
Me: Yeah!! For my birthday I was planning on-
Dad: Well I was just calling to report the Hunter S. Thompson death. I've got to go. Bill O'Reilly is on - Laura goes to bible study on Monday night so it's the only night I get to watch it.

Right.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Stella was a Diver and She was Always Down


  • Today, this may very well be the best song ever.

  • (From a long list my uncle emailed to me) I like this one: Can a hearse carrying the deceased drive in the car pool lane?

    That reminds me of something that happened when I was living in Atlanta. This guy was ticketed for travelling in the HOV lane for only having one person in the car. For months, or even years, he had been putting an inflatable doll in the passenger seat to look as if it were an actual person.

  • Our Schools:
    They actually thought this would work?
    And we thought self-loathing was a problem before.

  • Ahh, the Pride of Louisiana.
    Seriously. There's a billboard in Baton Rouge that says that.

  • Well it's Friday. We are about to launch a fourth magazine - just wrapped up production week - and I am about to head to the conference room for Mimosas and donuts to celebrate. Good times.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Curse

I am cursed when it comes to technology. Seriously. Give me something electronic and I guarantee I'll find a way to royally screw it up. And it's not just something that happens to everybody - it's the type of problem that readily recieves the response "what the fuck did you do?"

Ask anyone of my roomates from college that had a computer.

I inherited this curse from my Dad, who adamantly avoids all things electronic. In fact, he didn't watch TV for a week one time because he couldn't figure out how to turn it on.

With him, it's gotten so bad that he now claims that he doesn't know how to rent a movie.

My mother on the other hand is quite savvy when it comes to technology. She prides herself on this.

Every time I go near her computer she accuses me of messing something up.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Nothing! I didn't do anything!"

"Oh. Wait a minute." (keys clicking) "Nevermind."

"Hmph." (internal sigh of relief).

So naturally I was delighted today when I assisted a co-worker with the office digital camera and she said I was her hero.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I'm Glad I Kept Putting Off That Trip to the Dentist

I've been looking out the windows today at the NBC news vans and reporters across the street.

Apparently a neighborhood dentist was arrested for illegal man/boy love action.

I know, scandals are great.

But wanna know the best and probably the worst part? He just happens to be our company dentist.

We Put The Fun In Dysfunctional

Driving to work this morning I felt good. Interpol's NYC infused the interior of my car with song and then the notes trickled out of my open windows. I felt calm and content. The sun didn't blind my eyes as it did the day before, but rather warmed my Vitamin D deficient skin. No cars cut in front of me. I didn't have to wait behind a slow driver. I cruised into the parking garage wishing I could sit in the sun all day and listen to Interpol.

Flash forward.

9:15 a.m.
Phone rings.

Me: This is Lauren.
Dad (whining): You didn't call me back yesterday.
Me: Sorry Dad. You know I never check my answering machine at home. I didn't get the message until 11:30 last night. Why didn't you call me at work or on my cell? (any and every other day he does this).
Dad (sulking): I don't know. I'll do that next time. I wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day.
Me: Well Happy Valentine's Day to you too!
Dad: Have you talked to Mom? I've tried to call her since her surgery but have gotten no response (I'll mention here that my parents have been divorced for about 14 years and my Dad has been remarried for 10).
Me: What surgery?
Dad: She didn't tell you about her surgery?
Me: Uh, no?
Dad: Maybe I shouldn't tell you then.
Me: Um, what surgery dad?
Dad: Well, she had one of those chin tuck things for the wedding.

Right.

I'm gonna need a lot more than Interpol to process this one.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day

Example

Once again I am bumming chocolate off of my co-workers.

I was amused this weekend by all of the ginormous heart-shaped signs with magnificently large and repeating arrows pointing customers* toward the store's Valentine's Day inventory.

I am also annoyed by the 30-minute conversation that just went down in the cubicle next to mine. Went a little something like this: "Oh my God. One time, my boyfriend got me flowers from Flowerama..."

Just be glad he got you flowers, bitch.

But I'm not complaining. We recognized Valentine's on Saturday night, which included a cheese board, bottle of red, persimmon Haddock, orange cinnamon creme brulee (all at Savory), and later, watching Casablanca.**

Very nice.

Now back to my overdue story on home invasions...

*men
**mmmmm. Humphrey Bogart.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Today's Faces in the News

Example
Example
Example
Example

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Les Bon Temps



Being from Louisiana, I feel somewhat obligated to recognize Mardi Gras.

Although I'll be the first to tell you that Mardi Gras is overrated and not to visit New Orleans during the February celebrations, I kind of miss it.

I mean it's not that often that you get to spend all day trying to figure out which car/corner to pee behind without getting caught.

Or, for that matter, it's not every day that you can sit on a couch in the middle of the street beside Ann Rice's private party and hound her guests to bring you another one of those delicious bloody mary's being served inside.

(Corner of St. Charles and Third, near the flower shop if you're going next year)

Most of all I miss getting that three day vacation at the beginning of the week.

The last Mardi Gras I went to, I think (drinking, you know) was when Nicholas Cage was the King of Bacchus. Yummy. He had on a long leather jacket and these really sexy shades.

And once, in a fever pitch of Mardi Gras temptation, I thought seriously about not breaking up with a guy just because his mom was going to pay for us to ride in her Mardi Gras float (Krewe of Tucks) the next year.

What can I say - I was drunk - and in college.

So today, the Tuesday of Fat Tuesday, I salute you.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Bus Number 6

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do;
She gave them some broth without any bread,
She whipped them all soundly, and put them to bed.

-Mother Goose

From Kindergarten until about third grade the bus I rode had a picture of the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe - shoe on the back along with the bus number.

Looking back I find it a little odd. For several reasons. One being that there was a nursery rhyme illustration on the back of a bus that kids in high school rode. I guess that could've been why Joe Williams was always particularly unpleasant. Either that or the fact that his dad looked like one of the guys from ZZ Top.

On the first day of kindergarten my mom dropped me off at school in the morning, but that afternoon I had to ride the bus home. (It would be the beginning of a ten-year long adventure in bus riding). But that afternoon it was up to me to find that bus. To this day my mother's words still echo in my head: Look for the shoe, Lauren. Look for the shoe.

Well I found it. Of course it wasn't that hard seeing as it was the only bus with a picture on the back.

About 15 minutes into the route home, my bus broke down. Of course being the impressionable and nervous six-year-old that I was, I believed it when Joe Williams told me that we had run over a kid that was riding his skate board.

I was mortified. Not to mention a little bit confused that the bus driver didn't seem to be very upset.

It was the first in a long line of traumatic bus experiences.

I will save for later the story of how we were issued a bonafide "Short Bus" with faulty brakes for several months when I was in Jr. High.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Phil's on my Shit List

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Bridezilla Part I: The Birth

-----Original Message-----
From: Katharine
To: thelou137@hotmail.com
Subject: Jim Hjelm Occasions
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2005 08:52:18 -0600

LL, just some initial looks. I think we can order anything we want
from this designer.Go to color availability and pick satin faced tafetta. I like "Lagoon" and "Cloud."
http://www.jimhjelmoccasions.com/dress_db_occ/index.php?sortyear=2005&s

----------

From: Lauren [mailto:thelou137@hotmail.com]
Sent: Monday, January 31, 2005 3:30 PM
To: Katharine
Subject: RE: Jim Hjelm Occasions

I like Cloud too. I also like tahitian

----------

From : Katharine
Sent : Monday, January 31, 2005 3:42 PM
To : Lauren
Subject : RE: Jim Hjelm Occasions

Do you not like Lagoon? I think that's going to be the theme color.